Its 2:10 in the night & I have been busy reading for hours now, when suddenly I feel an overwhelming sense of despair & I cannot concentrate on the book anymore. As I try to understand this & make the blend of thoughts coherent, I realize it’s the fear of uncertainty that has gripped me.

I dwell upon it further & the line of thinking goes like this:

I am unaware what the following day has in store for me. I am clueless to the very next moment, whether it will pass silently or it will bring along unexpected turbulence or a fortunate surprise. I am ignorant or as the theories say, ‘oblivious to the truth’.

I am unaware of my origin, my path, the destination, the purpose of the seemingly endless journey. Yet,l I tread on seeking some unknown eternal bliss. The feeling of belonging comforts. I belong to a family, a group of people I meet daily. I belong to the house I live in but this can all change the very next moment. Does it imply that all the while, I have been trying to walk on water believing that there is land submerged to sustain but even the next step can drown me. It’s an uncertain life we live, unknowingly seeking protection, acceptance and love but from whom – the sailors of the same boat who too are lost?

Then what is there to stay which will sustain all but will remain with the soul. Having read & believed several theories from numerous sources on life, death, reincarnations, karma, conscious & subconscious etc., why at this hour of night my faith has shaken & I desperately seek the essence of my existence, the end if it waits & the real home if it exists. The fleeting thought of this planet, the universe & the entire cosmic world adds to the feeling of being lost on an unknown land.

The despair increases but there is no answer. If it’s hidden in me or my subconscious, the conscious me is completely unaware. Why this game of hide & seek? To what should I move? Why at all should I move further?

We all live on theories which I am not sure if we have defined, destroyed & re-defined in the centuries that passed. The castle is built & destroyed every day to start afresh a new one tomorrow. The creator of the castle forgets his work with every new day. There are theories to explain the so-called ‘process of evolution’, the soul’s ‘graduation’ to finally merge into the creator. What evolution of the soul is being aimed at when millions of them on this very planet are subjected to heinous crimes every passing moment?

We don’t buy things till we are convinced of the purpose we will put them to but then how were we persuaded to accept the ignorance of this journey. What I see around me is not real but then the real is not in front of me. After working towards understanding the invisible real, suddenly today I want to deny everything. Who is being benefited by the mystery in the drama? Who is being created to add life to the drama? Why should anything exist? Why discover & rediscover things, build theories only to do it all over again and never reach the truth.

I am stuck midway with no memory of the past & no clue to the future, afraid to move forth & back.  All that I have is this present moment. I can only be sure of this very moment.

The despair builds up. The solution is the same as it has been till now – Sleep to start a new day, get busy with the ‘routine’ to forget these moments of enormous doubt & fear and continue the mysterious journey on the path not known…Maybe when I wake up, I will be able to again appreciate this mystery & resume work towards unveiling it.

Kratika is a student at IIMA and a guest author at LSD.