It comes in so many shapes and forms.
There are those which descend on a dime but they
Are not the debilitating ones.
There are those that snatch the most beloved but they
Are not the most crippling ones.
Truly, the ones that drain
My sense of being are they
That live with me
Every single day.
They remind me of my failure that one time
That missed chance, That angry word, That misstep
That seed whose fruit still ripens
In the orchard of my existence.
It saps my soul of its very force
Like a leech it feed on my fears and grows
Just looking into it evokes
The same sense of defeat I felt before.
Reawakened – a phantom, a ghost.
Sensing my fear the devil does spread
Its fiendish tentacles into all of my life
I resist, I fight the temptation, in vain
I know the outcome of this strife.
Having let it grow, I now look away
As if not looking would kill the beast.
To the world, I put on my best smile and say
“You cannot harm me, for I am at peace”
But the creature knows its end is far from nigh
And it lurks, and it sleeps and it waits for my
Guard to drop, by weakness or fate
And out it pours, a deluge of self hate.
This creature is mine to live with, I know
But its not very nice, as far as pets go.
I need to look it in the eye and banish this hound
Ere he takes my life and runs it aground.
But Alas! ‘Tis easier said than done
For now this creature and I – to me they seem as one
And ripping them apart, asunder from each other
Would be far too painful, so why should I bother?
So I spend time with my friends,
Spend time chatting, laughing, confiding.
But I fear nightfall still
For its no longer the creature which is hiding.
(V S Vaidyanathan is an LSD member)