Defeat.

It comes in so many shapes and forms.

 

There are those which descend on a dime but they

Are not the debilitating ones.

There are those that snatch the most beloved but they

Are not the most crippling ones.

Truly, the ones that drain

My sense of being are they

That live with me

Every single day.

They remind me of my failure that one time

That missed chance, That angry word, That misstep

That seed whose fruit still ripens

In the orchard of my existence.

 

It saps my soul of its very force

Like a leech it feed on my fears and grows

Until

Just looking into it evokes

The same sense of defeat I felt before.

Reawakened – a phantom, a ghost.

 

Sensing my fear the devil does spread

Its fiendish tentacles into all of my life

I resist, I fight the temptation, in vain

I know the outcome of this strife.

 

Having let it grow, I now look away

As if not looking would kill the beast.

To the world, I put on my best smile and say

“You cannot harm me, for I am at peace”

 

But the creature knows its end is far from nigh

And it lurks, and it sleeps and it waits for my

Guard to drop, by weakness or fate

And out it pours, a deluge of self hate.

 

This creature is mine to live with, I know

But its not very nice, as far as pets go.

I need to look it in the eye and banish this hound

Ere he takes my life and runs it aground.

 

But Alas! ‘Tis easier said than done

For now this creature and I – to me they seem as one

And ripping them apart, asunder from each other

Would be far too painful, so why should I bother?

 

So I spend time with my friends,

Spend time chatting, laughing, confiding.

But I fear nightfall still

For its no longer the creature which is hiding.

(V S Vaidyanathan is an LSD member)

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